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Bum du Jour--a smile for your day

A bum asked a man on the street for $2.
     "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." 
     "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." 
     "Will you make bets at the golf course?"
Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"

Then the man asks,
"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"--

Blame it on the Computer

"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.."
 ~ Robert Orben ~

Microsoft Engineer has the answer ...

Four engineers are travelling in a car -- one mechanical engineer, one chemical engineer, one electrical engineer, and one software engineer from Microsoft.

The car breaks down and the different engineers apply their problem-solving skills and offer their solutions:

  • “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,” offers the mechanical engineer.
  • “Well,” says the chemical engineer, “it sounds to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should drain the fuel system.”
  • “I think it might be a grounding problem,” says the electrical engineer, “or may be a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the Microsoft software engineer who has said nothing so far.
They ask him,      “What do you think?”

  • “Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows again, to return to our previous state.”

Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building Cars...

  1. The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
  2. Oil...gas...and temperature gauges replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
  3. To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for two minutes and restart it.
  4. Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you ll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.
  5. When you call the service department...they'll tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.
  6. Before the air bag deploys...it will ask "Are you sure?"
  7. To make right turns...you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft Steering Wheel 2.0
  8. Apple will make a car that's faster...more reliable...and easier to drive...but it will only run on five percent of the roads.
  9. If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.

    And the number one thing that'll be different when Microsoft starts building cars..
    .
  10. If you're involved in a crash...you'll have no idea why.

Credited to: Forester Dave

Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None.
Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
We can see no need for uninstallation
and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Scientific Discovery - New Element

For the scientific minded....
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been  tentatively named "Administratium."

 Administratium has:

1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally require less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutron forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.

"Drawing God"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like.

 Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

La or Le Computer

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" is feminine -- "la maison. " "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computer"), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!

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